the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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