so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
