I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
