Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
