drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
