I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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