omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
