just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
