he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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