He kissed a someone with a penis
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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