i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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