I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
