She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
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If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
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Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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