dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
