Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
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I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
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You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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