i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
