A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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