don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
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i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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