i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
