I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Randomize
