if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He felt like a one man threesome
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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