good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
