I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
