The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
