Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
