There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...