Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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