My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
