I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
