why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
