I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
