What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
