You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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