atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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