Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
