You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
