she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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