Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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