Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
