Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can't turn off my feet"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.