I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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