My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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