it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
