Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
