mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
