Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
