dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
