K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
