Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
