I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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