i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
