I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
