hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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