is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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