my vag is so smooth its legendary
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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