Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
