sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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