I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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