It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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