he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think your dad took our porno
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
