i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
