Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
