if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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