Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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