matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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